i feel moved to blog this morning....i should be doing some work, but i need to talk or write or express myself in some way.... i don't know exactly what it is that i need to say, so i'll just write 'til it comes out. journaling, writing, blogging is a good way to get some stuff out. i'm happy, but i'm sad at the same time.....no, i'm not bi-polar or borderline...i'm actually at a good place in my life,I'll even create a gratitude list:
*GOD's grace, love, mercy and presence
*a phenomenally loving &caring family
*family's good health
*my sound emotional, physical&mental health
*my job
*my car
*my home
*my finances
*my fantastic beau
*my silly best friends
*love, the ability to give it and receive it
*peace
*hope
*food
*the sun........
My list can go on&on, but this is just the gist of why there is really no need for me to be sad... but i'm not sad in a bad, depressed way, i'm sad in good way...makes no sense huh? well, i understand it.... its kinda like eustress and distress...eustress is a good, healthy form of stress,whereas distress is a painful form of stress..anyway, lets' just say i am experiencing the "eustress" of sadness...i am grateful that i am having this kind of sadness rather than the "distress" of sadness.... feel me now?
oh my...guess i never said the source of my "eustress sadness".........
..."it's so hard for me to say this,i'm struggling to find the right words...what i felt was past tense, what i feel you just havent heard....." -jill scott...i love to quote her, she says exactly what i'm feeling.... dont you just love when a song identifies and expresses your emotions for you? it makes it a lot easier for you/me/whosuneva.
seems like i'm avoiding the topic at hand huh? i guess i am, because as i'm writing, i'm starting to feel free and at peace and content...GOD is awesome, i pray for acceptance & peace and that is what i'm getting....the power of writing as a means of venting is so great...i love it.......
*GOD's grace, love, mercy and presence
*a phenomenally loving &caring family
*family's good health
*my sound emotional, physical&mental health
*my job
*my car
*my home
*my finances
*my fantastic beau
*my silly best friends
*love, the ability to give it and receive it
*peace
*hope
*food
*the sun........
My list can go on&on, but this is just the gist of why there is really no need for me to be sad... but i'm not sad in a bad, depressed way, i'm sad in good way...makes no sense huh? well, i understand it.... its kinda like eustress and distress...eustress is a good, healthy form of stress,whereas distress is a painful form of stress..anyway, lets' just say i am experiencing the "eustress" of sadness...i am grateful that i am having this kind of sadness rather than the "distress" of sadness.... feel me now?
oh my...guess i never said the source of my "eustress sadness".........
..."it's so hard for me to say this,i'm struggling to find the right words...what i felt was past tense, what i feel you just havent heard....." -jill scott...i love to quote her, she says exactly what i'm feeling.... dont you just love when a song identifies and expresses your emotions for you? it makes it a lot easier for you/me/whosuneva.
seems like i'm avoiding the topic at hand huh? i guess i am, because as i'm writing, i'm starting to feel free and at peace and content...GOD is awesome, i pray for acceptance & peace and that is what i'm getting....the power of writing as a means of venting is so great...i love it.......
i'm not sure if anybody can gain anything from this post, but i did...i got some relief and i had a good time being vague and free and not having a purpose....or did i?
3 comments:
let me tell you why i love this particular piece. i keep everything inside (EVERYTHING) yet i wear my emotions/heart on my sleeve. might sound contradictory but it's one and the same.
when i feel, i feel completely, like my whole being gets altered i feel it in my bones, my atoms and the blood running through me. so when i'm stressed out about something it shows, i can't hide it from anyone, needless to say i am not good at pretending, which should be a good thing shouldn't it? well not all the time because people then challenge me to explain how i'm feeling when i'm not even too sure myself or have not had the time to fully dissect my problem.
and then the times when i do feel to let it out it feels like i am screaming but the world is deaf to my screams (that's why i write about screaming alot) because it always goes unheard.
so it's like there's a catch somewhere and then when someone actually listens it's always misunderstood, it's like we're all speaking english but different strands of english (weird but it's how i feel) so then i feel to retract into myself where i'm safe yet still at war. i laugh at myself now i'm writing this because how can i ever expect someone to know me when i don't even know myself?
i write everyday, but alot of it i just keep hidden because it's like i would feel so exposed if people could see inside. actually i'm here remembering something i wrote last year that so relates to how i'm feeling now (it's on my pc at home but i'll upload it later) but as i grow, and reaffirm my relationship with God i am gaining some introspection that i didn't even think i had the right to gain, and man, it's a beautiful thing.
so i'll stop here before i bore you, but i'll say this, as i read your blogs and i read other blogs online it's like there's this thread that joins us all together and as different as we all try to be, in trying so hard to be different we end up being the same.
more times......
you are very expressive, your words are moving!...and i completely understand what you mean about keeping everything in yet still wear your emotions on your sleeves.
seek balance, boundaries and peace! that is the way to loosen the internal turmoil!
KEEP WRITING.....It's the best way to get it out and find at least ONE person that you can be totally candid with!
thanx again for reading!
here is the piece i was telling you about.....
"losing me"
When I say,
You just don’t understand
I’m not trying to be little you as a man
It’s just this thing within me
Kinda takes over me
And I just can’t get it out
No matter how hard I shout
And when I do try
It’s always misinterpreted
And that just frustrates me
YES!!!! I’M ANGRY!!!!!
Lies are the beginning of the end young ham
It’s like; I wanna be able to look in your eyes
And see the truth always
Not have to wonder
It’s like I’m fighting with my alter-energy
Your lips spew words of sweet honey
But your eyes tell a totally different story
So yes I’m angry, when I remember
How you lied to me
But you just don’t get it do you?
This ain’t got nuttin' to do with jealousy
I just feel like you’re dragging me
Along.
And you say I’m the one that’s moody?
You know from whence I came
You know my torrid history
You know about my anger and pain
Why I tag along is my inner mystery
Yes I satisfy your physical needs
But do I move you spiritually?
Emotionally? Mentally? Intellectually?
Do you stimulate me?
Or are we only in harmony horizontally?
Internally and externally?
Sometimes I wonder
Is this just a phase?
Are we enjoying this roller coaster ride too long?
But who between us has the courage to walk away
Especially when this ride can be fun sometimes
I can’t decide what to do
Am I in love with you
Or in love with the possibility?
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